why do i have a tendency to provoke myself all the time? it's like having a mouth sore or a toothache, and i keep licking that area for some reason, even though it hurts. or when i had my swallowing problem, and i kept on swallowing to check if it still hurts as much. the same goes for certain memories; i keep thinking about them, though it's so painful to do so. i guess the reason i do that is to see how far i've come already when it comes to moving on. so i still think about all those memories now..and if i find that it doesnt affect me as much, then i consider that as progress.

i've seen some people..heartbroken people who nevertheless walk around proudly, saying they've forgotten about everything already. and they say the technique is to shove it all in the back of your mind. but when they cross paths with their, er, past, they have a breakdown. everything comes crashing down on them..all the memories they thought they've already thrown away. and they're so unprepared for it, so suddenly defeated. and heartbroken once more.

when i think of certain memories now, i remember how good it used to feel. but i always make it a point to remind myself that it's gone now, that it's nobody's fault, that it's a lesson to learn, and that i shouldn't regret any of it.

and i know im really making progress because i can sleep at night now. :)

so i guess its not "provoking myself"..i guess i'm just really taking the time to mope. i really dont think there's a specified number of months for someone to heal. im taking my time, and i'm gonna make the pain diminish little by little, and when the time comes that i cross paths with my, er, past, i can look him in the eye without failing.

hey, you never know. hahaha. stupid.