it's official. i abhor proofs.

maybe it would be different if i had a better, younger teacher, but no. i had to have the obscurely fast-paced, paranoid, 70 year-old who breaks chalks, yells across the room, and talks about his neurons backfiring.

i really dont mean to be mean, but i really do want to learn too. =/

as of now, self-study seems highly inevitable.

it really is time for you to retire, mr. p.




i dont know how to describe this day.

i felt tired and sick and sleepy and lazy and all that which defines an unprepared student.

it's one of those days when you feel like you're standing at the edge of a cliff, half expecting something to knock you over already.

i was waiting to see if i missed doing any homework, but i only left my macbeth book at home. i was also waiting for a person to tell me if i wore my shirt backwards or if my shoes were mismatched, because i was pretty sure i was only in a semi-conscious state while dressing up this morning. no one did.

guess i got lucky.

i have to admit though, the past five days have been crazy.

my brother and i stayed at my uncle's house the past five days, and had thanksgiving dinner at my aunt's mom's house in the bronx. the food was hella good, as always. too bad mom and dad had to be away in vegas. they had thanksgiving on the road. =T i could really sense the excitement in my mom's voice, though, as she talked to me about seeing snow for the first time in colorado (i SO wanna go to aspen), and about how our house looks like now. i later found out that i have a bed already (thanks to ate ria), and that she has already started shopping for shtuff!

i just know she'll be as obsessed with cleaning the house eventually as she is excited about it right now. lol. oh nooo.

so yea. back to my five-day vacation at my uncle's, i had a lot of fun with cousins, and the house had a hyper/silly atmosphere the whole time. i got carried away through and through, as i hit the sack at about 6AM already, every single day. i dont recall being that glued to the tv, ever. lol. gawrsh.

figures why i'm feeling excessively ill right now. =T

it'll hopefully get better once i take a nap after publishing this post.

so yea..hmm what else happened?

oh..i missed rj's party!!!

!@#$%^&*

i guess it was partly my fault, for not securing (or at least trying to secure) a ride at a much earlier date, but i just cant help but feel so bad right now.. i sent the rsvp a month ago, dammit. i said i would go and all that.

it sucks that mom or dad weren't here to take me. but then again, it also sucks that jasmine didnt respond to my attempts to reach her, either. hence, i had no means to go to that freakin party.

sigh.

i guess i'll just give my gift to rj in school tomorrow, together with my sincerest apology. =T

come to think of it, maybe it was a good thing that i didnt go, because what if *he* was invited? oh well. it's done.

and i mean done. all of it.

mmkay...moving oooon..

just found out i'll be entering my new school in vegas as a junior! yay. i wanted to post the link of the school's website here but i guess something's wrong wit their site at the moment. oh well. the name's sierra vista high.

should do, should do.. lol. =)

so..to cap this post..

my things to do:

write summary/article for journalism
work on feature story
work on health newsletter
study more about proofs
find macbeth book
give rj's gift
reply to sarah's email(s)
buy phone card to call chris
fix closet
take a nap
buy tickets for winter formal
save money
take cepacol
watch happy feet =)

there. whee.







i dont want to want more from you anymore.

i'm tired. i'm backing out while it's early, while my anger still far outweighs my concern for you, for us (if that ever existed).

so yea, you did show up last tuesday but we didnt end up doing anything because you had guitar practice with friends. you ended up regretting it because your friends stood you up. so we made plans for the next day, but then you stood me up because robbie wanted to walk home with you. i said it was fine, blahblahblah. we didnt see each other thursday because you had a 20-minute detention. okay. so you said friday, which was today. so i saw you. i wasnt going to the volleyball game, so you asked me out to a movie. i said we'll see. call me. you asked for my new cellphone number, your phone won't go on. you said i should IM you the number, but i had to go with my friends somewhere. you said okay. i said okay. you said call you later. we parted with a hug. i went home. went out with friends. called you home, you weren't there.

i obviously did NOT try a second time. i am NOT going to plead desperate, not ever.

i cant go with you to the movies anymore, it's 9:30, and i am tired. i will not IM you my new number unless you ask for it. i will not call your house anymore, and i will not look forward to your daily visits to my school.

that last one would be quite hard to do, but i just don't want to take crap from you anymore. not from you, no.

it doesnt take another person to convince me that i dont deserve this at all. if you expect me to do the chasing, then i'm sorry to say that i wont do that.

actually, i'm not sorry. what the hell. i dont owe anything to you, i didnt do anything bad to you.

now i'd be as ready as you seem to be to forget that this friendship ever existed.

i just wish you'd actually do something to convince me that you're not full of it.




nothing really matters anymore. i have spent the last 8 months trying to patch things up, only to have it dismantled all over again.

nothing left.

so we're moving. this january. to vegas.

i have a lot to say, obviously. but the question is, do i have a say in the whole thing? i cannot contest the need to relocate, its urgency, its benefits to my entire family; i only have my silly emotional attachments, my petty reluctance to change.

it is true that i haven't quite recovered yet from the impact that migrating here has made. i miss my family and friends, and i still think of richard sometimes. it pains me to think i'm going to start all over again, considering i have made good friends here already, have gotten close to family here already..

haay. no amount of the strip's neon lights could ever brighten up that dark thought.

i just hope to God i go to school there as a junior.




i got home like half an hour ago.. and i am super drenched from walking in the rain. i liked it, it made me feel liberated; from what, i dont know. i think my shoes are ruined, though. *sob* i knew i should have worn my boots this morning.

anyway..we had no school yesterday, and i of course slept in. my friends and i actually planned on watching a movie--saw 3--but i when i woke up that day, i was just very reluctant to go. i mean, i just wasnt in the mood, i guess, and i didnt want to pay for a movie i've seen just 2 weeks ago. also, i thought that maybe seeing it would bring about a certain amount of discomfort to me, considering i saw that movie with *him*.

so yea. i ended up not going (i faked sick), and they ended up not going as well. how sad. sunna was chewing on my ass this morning..but what else could i do but apologize and carry on with my lie? lol.

sigh.

as for *him*, well, we talked yesterday..it was a bittersweet conversation with a lot of pauses in between, although he of course was the one who initiated it. he was still cold. gawrsh..i wish i knew how to figure this whole thing out. i'm trying to not let it get to me, but i still felt quite upset when he didnt show up at my school today. i'd like to think that it's because of the rain, but i dont know.. i dont know anymore. i dont even know where we stand. if he doesnt wanna be my friend, fine.

the one thing i can smile about, though, is the fact that there are no classes tomorrow and friday. i can breathe, i think. there's like minimal homework, and my schedule is filling up fast..i'm going to the skate rink with cousins tomorrow..and i'm planning to watch a movie on friday with my friends on friday (recompensation. lol).

...

why am i the one who's becoming emo right now? wtf? i keep telling myself to lay off the freakin topic, but i think of it anyway. i even had the nerve to write and talk about it! seriously..i am mad at myself. for thinking of him, for thinking of ALL sorts of things. and i mean all.

i'm becoming more and more aware of my seemingly schizo state right now..so i'm gonna end this entry already.

anyway..i am currently famished. i feel like baking brownies all of a sudden. should prove to be therapeutic, yea.

bye.

wasitalljustadream?




i'm disproportionately spiteful right now. but i just HAVE to get this out. you have made me feel sad and angry and stupid.

it was nice meeting you and all that.





wow.

and i thought i was the unfair one.

what are you doing?? it makes no sense.

you tell me you're in an emo phase. what the hell.

are you getting cold feet? you must be getting cold feet. altough you know, the odd thing is, i never pressured you to do anything at all! damnit.

so i'm not going to see you all week because you're busy and you need to do some thinking. how can you be so unfair? dont you have the decency to at least tell me what is wrong? cant you give me something more concrete than "emo"? at least i told you straight up when i said something was bothering me.

i'd rush to your house to stop you from cutting yourself or anything, but i'm not even sure anymore if you'd let me in.