"we can get to know each other better.."

no.




i've dreamt of you four days in a row now.

i always miss you.




called my guidance counselor 2 days ago.. he said i was gonna enter school as a senior, but i'm not gonna graduate until 2008. he mentioned something about me having enough credits for senior status, but not enough to graduate, even with all the subjects i'm taking up this year. i personally think its effed up, because imagine all of the questions that are going to be raised by all sorts of people. i get tired just thinking about it. i mean, they're most likely questions i asked myself already, but (still) dont have the answers to. besides, the regular seniors will have different things to worry about (like actually graduating)..i'll be like out of place. i dno..why did they have to complicate things? its bad enough that i have a class with my brother.

now my dad wants me to die studying for an upcoming proficiency test this october. he should be happy i'm now a senior, if only for the status. bleh.

i'll be lucky if survive until christmas. :




here i am again. do i want to move or not?

positive
>>we have our own house!
>>i'll have my own room (privacy!!)
>>i'll have my own closet (!!)
>>no snowstorms and/or blizzards
>>i'll live near my other cousins
>>trips to the beach are more spontaneous
>>i'll.have.my.own.room.

negative
>>i'd be careful to not get too attached with my future friends in BHS this schoolyear. unhealthy.
>>i won't even get the chance to know all my friends better.
>>i'll miss all my cousins over here. sob.
>>i wont graduate in BHS!!
>>it's like acclimatizing all over again.
>>no more spontaneous trips to new york.
>>no more stray deer.

can't they wait until after i graduate? it's only 2 years. i mean, sure, the house is all big and beautiful, but i really dont want to suffer emotionally again. i plan to get to know the people over here, but it's hard to withdraw once i get too attached. do i hold back because i don't want to end up all traumatized again?

i'm all quiet and uneasy whenever the subject of vegas is brought up. gLo talks about it before bedtime, and i give her a tight-lipped smile from my top bunk. and my mom--i don't think i've ever seen her look this excited about something before. she already went shopping for stuff in ikea for "The LV house". dad doesnt want me saving up for anymore furniture because "shipping to vegas is expensive".

i think it's as easy for me to buy a $30 room study desk as it is for me to just discard it eventually (though it pains a lot to even think about it).

i'd like to think that i can finally have my own space once we move there and i can finally reclaim my so-called privacy, but..i want go to BHS. i dont know why, but i just want to. it feels nice to actually know what i want for once, you know? i've never felt this way since i refused to sign assumption's slot reservation and decided to go to pcst.

it's crazy though, how i ended up all traumatized and miserable after i left that school.

BHS, and all my cousins, are the things i fear i'd get too attached to with the thought of moving to vegas in the back of my mind. dad hasnt announced anything final yet, but i'm sure when he does it's going to be like last minute, expecting everyone else to just follow suit (as if i can do anything anyway). and the shock of that announcement is something that a spacious new room can't absorb.

while we were at church one time, dad asked me if i told anyone about vegas yet. i wasnt quite sure how to respond, and then he asked me, "do you have your apprehensions?". i wanted to pour it all out, to cry to him right there in the pew. i still don't know why i didn't.

maybe it's the gleam of excitement in my mom's eyes. God. i really don't know.

>>>

it's the feast of the assumption. i have to go to church now.




i'm blogging at 12:46 am. the result of a 3-hour nap that i took before dinner. i thought of calling sarah through the fonecard i just bought this morning but for some reason the operator says her number isn't in service. dammit. i was so ready to hear from her again, so ready to vent, so ready to cry if i felt like doing so. if only for the assurance that she won't judge me, won't betray me, then i can really be myself for an hour or so.

but i guess that has to wait.

it's been hard warding off thoughts regarding me and richard. or richard in general. i can only do so much to erase memories i once vowed to treasure forever. needless to say, i'm still hurting. maybe part of the reason i went downstairs to blog was because i needed to release the steady flow of thoughts about him that has been flooding my head. i guess i needed more outlet than my ceiling, which i've just been staring at earlier.

we tried. at least i know i did. i hope he did.

i want to move on so bad; to be happy for him and whoever is in his life right now (not that i don't know); and to be able to face myself in the mirror and say it wasn't meant to be. because for some reason i can't seem to consider the possibility that i might never see him anymore. forever. that what we had was a once-in-a-life thing, meant to be forgotten.

i want to tell myself that this is a phase. after all, how long can it for me to forget someone 10,000 miles away? not very long, supposedly. i've given myself time to mope, cry my guts out, feel my heart shatter all over again. but when it seems like i no longer have tears to shed, they come flooding my eyes once more, and i'm back where i started, staring at the ceiling, chasing after sleep.

i try as hard as i can to rid myself of all this emotional baggage before school starts. even i know it's dangerous, unhealthy. a cause for worry, particularly for my parents. the last thing i want to do is to lose their trust all over again--that is if i had even gained it all back already.

i dont hate him. i guess i just miss him. more than i'd like to admit.

since nothing can really be done now, i just pray for the strength to let go, as in let go, and wait for the day when i can finally be happy for him.




i'm starting a new blog now. starting over seems appealing to me. my thoughts have become too scattered, given the fact that i had 3 other blogs before this. : so yea, i'm saying now that this blog is going to be the next permanent thing.

besides, i can't blog in friendster anymore. my dad's in my friendslist.

only 26 more days til the start of school. can't wait. i'm even looking forward to my math class(classes). : i just need to do something; i need to have my sense of urgency back again..it was obviously lost when i started to wake up at 12pm everyday.

i need a life.