i need to think straight and slow down.

it started out with a kiss,

how did it end up like this?

it was only a kiss,

it was only a kiss..




or was it?








i am so sorry.




a moment of longing
a moment of crazy.
my surroundings blur,
as i see you smile.
a gust of wind
nudges me closer to you.
it's surprisingly sweet
to get lost in your eyes.

my fingertips tingle
as they lace with yours.
you take one step to brush
tendrils of hair from my cheek.
you take another step
to rub your forehead with mine.
and another,
and another..
tilthere'snomorespaceleftinbetween.




i SO dont want to go to school tomorrow.

I'm still up at 1 in the morning, finishing up my summary/opinion articles that have been long due. i'm falling asleep in my chair already, and it's like a hammer is being constantly driven on my head. i'm pretty sure i'm going to wake up feeling like crap tomorrow morning, but i gotta finish my papers so that i can ask my brother to just drop it off in tag's classroom when he gets to school. i dont want any more negative comments from my teacher. i said i'll give the articles after school but i didnt. i wanna be able to look him in the eye again the next time i enter his classroom. -_-

unfortunately, missing school will also mean:

-missing my us histo quiz
-missing my chem quiz
-missing my english quiz
-missing my journalism interview
-missing the possible announcement of algebra2 test scores
-missing my friends

i dunno what to do. i need coffee.




go near me again and i'll clobber you with my umbrella.




the PSAT was a killer..had ta answer each problem within one minute or less, and my tummy was just being plain uncooperative. i only had coffee for breakfast cuz i woke up late and had to rush out. so yea..i'm definitely not gonna expect some sort of scholarship grant cuz i'm pretty sure i screwed up..especially in the 2nd math section. *sigh* oh well..it's not a scholarship if i get a low score, but it doesnt count either. of course i knew it was a practice test and that was why i didnt really put much effort, but it's also my counselor's fault for informing me only ONE day before the test. if i dont keep coming up to him to inquire if certain activities concern me or not (due to my peculiar junior/senior aka "jenior" status), i would never have known anything at all. but whatever. the PSAT's are done..and they were sorta like a wake up call for me to start studying regularly for the SAT's. so yea..i think this is the part where i have to take highschool seriously awreddy. lol. >_< style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255);">winslow tether.

anywaay..guess who has no homework today? little lazy me. :) i think i'll relieve my famished status first, then catch up on sleep. i'll watch one tree hill afterwards. <3

~~




im writing WAY too much love poems lately. thumthing's wong with me.




the weekend was too fast, but t'was really fun. went bowling with cousins! <3 i still suck but whatever..i'm still dragging my friends there next week. haha. but now, hmm..its monday again..boringboringboring..not much to look forward to, but a lot to remind myself of. for example..

1. pending summary/opinion articles for journalism
2. possibility of PSAT's this wednesday (!@#$!)
3. major geometry quiz
4. chem. lab report
5. urgent cleaning of my pigsty of a room

i swear i really dont have anywhere to put my clothes in anymore. they're piling on my bunk. and now i have to dig out all my bulky winter clothes because it's mad cold already. it really is. grr. especially in the morning. but this girl from my journalism class always insists on opening the window because she's hot. i mean, not hot as in hot, but hot. haha. whatever. so i look always look lurid in that class, and even more lurid when i know that i havent turned in my summary/opinion articles yet. the guilt's eating me up and i can't even look at mr. tag these days. i dont know if my brain's having an automatic shut-off from writing tons of essays last week. i just cant bring myself to finally write the darn articles yet. i really feel so guilty, what with all of my guidance counselor's recommendation and assurance to my teacher that i'm good and so on. ugh. but now that it's days late, what face am i going to show to him? if i submit it, and it's days late anyway, its like telling him that i took my sweet time, and never even made an effort to catch up. arrghhhh. its just that i cant squeeze any more opinions out of my system. my history, my english, my SRA classes.. and they're all on the same topics! repetitive much?

dammit. this is really a great way to get an F in journalsim, karla. then you can forget about bear facts above everything else. !@#$%

i know im not in a position to complain, or make excuses, or submit late stuff. i have to regain focus (i know, lame hackneyed phrase)!!. whine. i'm almost as disorganized as ms. kelly right now (that is so not a good thing).

these are the times when i expect my yoga class to be helpful, but it isnt.

i just KNOW this is gunna be a long week.




why do i have a tendency to provoke myself all the time? it's like having a mouth sore or a toothache, and i keep licking that area for some reason, even though it hurts. or when i had my swallowing problem, and i kept on swallowing to check if it still hurts as much. the same goes for certain memories; i keep thinking about them, though it's so painful to do so. i guess the reason i do that is to see how far i've come already when it comes to moving on. so i still think about all those memories now..and if i find that it doesnt affect me as much, then i consider that as progress.

i've seen some people..heartbroken people who nevertheless walk around proudly, saying they've forgotten about everything already. and they say the technique is to shove it all in the back of your mind. but when they cross paths with their, er, past, they have a breakdown. everything comes crashing down on them..all the memories they thought they've already thrown away. and they're so unprepared for it, so suddenly defeated. and heartbroken once more.

when i think of certain memories now, i remember how good it used to feel. but i always make it a point to remind myself that it's gone now, that it's nobody's fault, that it's a lesson to learn, and that i shouldn't regret any of it.

and i know im really making progress because i can sleep at night now. :)

so i guess its not "provoking myself"..i guess i'm just really taking the time to mope. i really dont think there's a specified number of months for someone to heal. im taking my time, and i'm gonna make the pain diminish little by little, and when the time comes that i cross paths with my, er, past, i can look him in the eye without failing.

hey, you never know. hahaha. stupid.




i never should have told her anything at all.

i really, really dont want to hate her. God help me.




i met a guy last night, my cousin introduced me to him;

and then i forgot his name.

i was grinning stupidly, but he had an awesome, awesome smile;
then everyone started teasing me;

and then i forgot his name.

did he remember mine?
wonder if we'd ever cross paths again~

=T

here's to that guy who attends children's birthday dinners on a weekday and sits with his mom. :)