here i am again. do i want to move or not?

positive
>>we have our own house!
>>i'll have my own room (privacy!!)
>>i'll have my own closet (!!)
>>no snowstorms and/or blizzards
>>i'll live near my other cousins
>>trips to the beach are more spontaneous
>>i'll.have.my.own.room.

negative
>>i'd be careful to not get too attached with my future friends in BHS this schoolyear. unhealthy.
>>i won't even get the chance to know all my friends better.
>>i'll miss all my cousins over here. sob.
>>i wont graduate in BHS!!
>>it's like acclimatizing all over again.
>>no more spontaneous trips to new york.
>>no more stray deer.

can't they wait until after i graduate? it's only 2 years. i mean, sure, the house is all big and beautiful, but i really dont want to suffer emotionally again. i plan to get to know the people over here, but it's hard to withdraw once i get too attached. do i hold back because i don't want to end up all traumatized again?

i'm all quiet and uneasy whenever the subject of vegas is brought up. gLo talks about it before bedtime, and i give her a tight-lipped smile from my top bunk. and my mom--i don't think i've ever seen her look this excited about something before. she already went shopping for stuff in ikea for "The LV house". dad doesnt want me saving up for anymore furniture because "shipping to vegas is expensive".

i think it's as easy for me to buy a $30 room study desk as it is for me to just discard it eventually (though it pains a lot to even think about it).

i'd like to think that i can finally have my own space once we move there and i can finally reclaim my so-called privacy, but..i want go to BHS. i dont know why, but i just want to. it feels nice to actually know what i want for once, you know? i've never felt this way since i refused to sign assumption's slot reservation and decided to go to pcst.

it's crazy though, how i ended up all traumatized and miserable after i left that school.

BHS, and all my cousins, are the things i fear i'd get too attached to with the thought of moving to vegas in the back of my mind. dad hasnt announced anything final yet, but i'm sure when he does it's going to be like last minute, expecting everyone else to just follow suit (as if i can do anything anyway). and the shock of that announcement is something that a spacious new room can't absorb.

while we were at church one time, dad asked me if i told anyone about vegas yet. i wasnt quite sure how to respond, and then he asked me, "do you have your apprehensions?". i wanted to pour it all out, to cry to him right there in the pew. i still don't know why i didn't.

maybe it's the gleam of excitement in my mom's eyes. God. i really don't know.

>>>

it's the feast of the assumption. i have to go to church now.