i'm blogging at 12:46 am. the result of a 3-hour nap that i took before dinner. i thought of calling sarah through the fonecard i just bought this morning but for some reason the operator says her number isn't in service. dammit. i was so ready to hear from her again, so ready to vent, so ready to cry if i felt like doing so. if only for the assurance that she won't judge me, won't betray me, then i can really be myself for an hour or so.

but i guess that has to wait.

it's been hard warding off thoughts regarding me and richard. or richard in general. i can only do so much to erase memories i once vowed to treasure forever. needless to say, i'm still hurting. maybe part of the reason i went downstairs to blog was because i needed to release the steady flow of thoughts about him that has been flooding my head. i guess i needed more outlet than my ceiling, which i've just been staring at earlier.

we tried. at least i know i did. i hope he did.

i want to move on so bad; to be happy for him and whoever is in his life right now (not that i don't know); and to be able to face myself in the mirror and say it wasn't meant to be. because for some reason i can't seem to consider the possibility that i might never see him anymore. forever. that what we had was a once-in-a-life thing, meant to be forgotten.

i want to tell myself that this is a phase. after all, how long can it for me to forget someone 10,000 miles away? not very long, supposedly. i've given myself time to mope, cry my guts out, feel my heart shatter all over again. but when it seems like i no longer have tears to shed, they come flooding my eyes once more, and i'm back where i started, staring at the ceiling, chasing after sleep.

i try as hard as i can to rid myself of all this emotional baggage before school starts. even i know it's dangerous, unhealthy. a cause for worry, particularly for my parents. the last thing i want to do is to lose their trust all over again--that is if i had even gained it all back already.

i dont hate him. i guess i just miss him. more than i'd like to admit.

since nothing can really be done now, i just pray for the strength to let go, as in let go, and wait for the day when i can finally be happy for him.