start to finish`

2007-12-02T23:48:00.000-08:00

The Hollow Men
T.S Eliot


Mistah Kurtz -- he dead.
  
      
           A penny for the Old Guy
      
          
               I
          

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us -- if at all -- not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.

          
               II
          

Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death's dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind's singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer
In death's dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer --

Not that final meeting
In the twilight kingdom

          
               III
          

This is the dead land
This is cactus land
Here the stone images
Are raised, here they receive
The supplication of a dead man's hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this
In death's other kingdom
Waking alone
At the hour when we are
Trembling with tenderness
Lips that would kiss
Form prayers to broken stone.

          
               IV
          

The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places
We grope together
And avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual star
Multifoliate rose
Of death's twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men.

          
               V
          

Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o'clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow

                   For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow


                   Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow

                   For Thine is the Kingdom


For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

2007-11-17T18:17:00.000-08:00

yay for finally being able to drive! ^__^

2007-11-09T17:53:00.000-08:00

it's FRIDAY! 4 day weekend yeaaa <3

i'm trying to write my essay for usf right now..hopefully i can have the draft by monday and i can email it to my english teacher and counselor. then i send the application off on the 16th, together with my application for nau. if i dont make it to usf (ughh), then my application will still be considered/passed on to the regular waiting list, but of course, the scholarship money, if there'll be any, will not be as high.

so im listening to some music right now, and i keep forgetting that my brother has friends over by the den, and i keep bursting out in song along with what's playing. i'm not that far away from the den, and the doors here really arent that thick. >_< so embarassing. for my brother, i mean. haha

im soo excited for this 4 day weekend for some reason. this long weekend marks the significant change! i promise i'll be good now. =]

anywayy, gotta work on my essay! *cavorts away*

2007-11-06T19:35:00.000-08:00

soo today was goldday. had physics, psych, mads, and soc. had a test in soc which i think i bombed, except for the free answer part.

i have tons of stuff to do tonight. stats project and trig test review, to mention a few. plusss i need to update my whiteboard calendar.

i miss my room >_< style="font-style: italic;">need to work now.

i like looking at my pc clock and knowing/realizing that the time is an hour in advance. i dunno why

2007-11-04T00:26:00.000-07:00

gosh..today was a long day. i took sat's. it was okay, i hope i did better. i don't really wanna be too optimistic/pessimistic about it, but yea. we'll see in two weeks. >_<

after sat's i went to fs mall with friends and had a 2-hour lunch in stripburger simply because we were taking too much time analyzing the freakn bill. long story lol. then we walked around and went window shopping in places that we knew were too expensive. oh but we went to sanrio and build-a-bear though haha so much fun. also went to sharper image to try out the lightsabers and the mechanical panda. =D we headed to blockbuster afterwards and tried to rent a movie to watch at my place. then we reached my house and just kept getting more hyper from there.

mm yea. i guess we all needed the break, but just for this day only. i have to work on so much other stuff, it's not even funny. i have a goal to fully understand physics and trig by the end of this week. and to submit usfca applications by nov.15.

i'm sooo tired. i guess i'll go to bed now. dun even know why i decided to go blog at this time. nighhtt

2007-11-01T22:47:00.000-07:00

before i say anything else, happy halloween! lol.

umm i actually had fun last night, even though at the back of my mind, the worry of an unfinished trig homework lingered. i mean, i did some of it, but i couldnt figure out the rest. the book examples weren't helping, so i just gave up on it at that moment. =/

but yea..we went trickortreating, eating, dancing, and driving around. we never really stayed at queena's house that long. after goofing off and "dancing", we headed to china a-go-go to get bubble tea (yayy), and then met up with zarah afterwards, then headed straight to her house where more goofing off took place.

then i was too tired to blog when i got home.

so there. i just came from makino and the strip right now. gosh i had TOO MUCH to eat. im not even kidding. i dont even know if thats a good thing or not anymore. =/ im trying to delay going to bed, cuz i heard it is pretty dangerous to fall asleep with a stomach THIS full (seriously seriously). but i think i gotta end this for now as well. maybe i'll do sat's =D

2 days to go. =|

oh oh in case you havent noticed, this is my 100th post! yayy.

i've never kept a blog for this long. lol. anyway g'niight.

2007-10-30T18:31:00.000-07:00

so today was not that great, i feel like i'm doing a lot of stuff but not really accomplishing anything. i've also been dreaming about the spicegirls a lot. weird.

but i got new flats + halloween costume today! i hope i pull it off.

if there's one thing i look forward to on bluedays, its 7th period government. my teacher's awesome, and he always stimulates friendly debatesh during class. sometimes when im extra fickleminded, i just sit back and watch the 2 sides verbally attack each other, and i still have a lot of fun! hehe. so yea 7th period was the highlight of my day.

i tried applying to cal state today but i got really lazy to input my course credits one by one. they made the process unusually complicated for some reason; too bad they dont use common apps. but yea i dunno. i've been really lax lately. i hope this is just an oh-thank-goodness-first-quarter-just-ended-thing. ackk i gotta start moving.

4 more days til sat's

2007-10-29T18:42:00.000-07:00

just realized that this new layout doesnt indicate the dates for my posts *whine*

2007-10-29T18:41:00.001-07:00

okayy..so today i had senior photos taken. i had to wake up at least an hour early this morning to iron my hair cause it was really poofyy o_O i hope the pics turn out fine..it was really weird smiling for the camera with like 50 other students watching not too far away. lol. ugh.

oh i had physics too, and yea..i'm still struggling. dun wanna talk about it.

5 more days til sat's..and im bumming around like i've got all the time in the world. it's not funnyy. apparently what i get on that test will be the determinant for a lot of important things. so yea. i have to get my butt of the pc and start working like, now.

i saw a gift card for jack in the box yesterday when i was at vons, and it was titled jackcash. hahaha. great.

laters

2007-10-28T22:24:00.001-07:00

6 more days til sat's. -___-

2007-10-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

oh my gosh. talk about a post that's long overdue! haay.

so let's see..the school year didn't even start yet when i made my last post. but now, yes, i am a full-fledged senior. not quite ready to graduate, but a senior nonetheless. i've been running around a lot, to and fro places, sometimes doing things that are meaningful yet pointless at the same time. i hope to make this year fun without going overboard, but with my demanding classes, i have a feeling that to hope is the most i can do.

well, not really. i shouldn't say that. i've met some really awesome people this year, and they're plodding with me in this gnarly road of college applications, sat's, physics, and yearbook pictures. volunteering has been great, too, in a tiring-but-fulfilling way. so i've actually had my share of fun these past few months. it's been good, its been good.

but physics is one nightmare of a class, and i have a very strong feeling that it will ultimately be the cause of my not-so-eventful downfall. it's seriously the only class that i do not know anything about. its information literally has to be forced fed to me so i can digest it. i don't know how long i can continue trying to learn in that virtual classroom, considering that the repercussions in switching to a normal ap physics class can be catastrophic. i really need a visible teacher around, but then again, the grass is always greener on the other side.

at least i know that online colleges are not for me.

speaking of colleges, well, i'm not as clueless/scared about planning for it as i was before. being in the company of seniors alike truly helps. i've already got the basics written down in the common apps and the fafsa, and my goal is to submit applications shortly before christmas. i was supposed to go attend unlv's early application day, but i didnt know i had to rsvp until my friend told me, so i missed the rsvp date. i still bravely called their office on the day of the event and asked if i can still rsvp, but they were like, um, no.

oh well. =/ i'll still apply to them soon. hope i get accepted too, like my friend did. lol yayy.

the only thing that is nowhere near finished is my essay. i'm so obsessed with finding the best topic to talk about that i still have nothing on my hands. on top of that, most of my ideas and spur-of-the-moment sentences disappear even before i could make use of them, mainly because i just scrawl them on scrap paper. so from now on, i'll be putting down my ideas, phrases, even drafts here. that way it's easy for me to come back to, and i have an audience to boot! feel free to tell me if it's actually good, or just pure, useless fluff.

i actually have to help make lunch upstairs now, so i have to end this (long) post. i'm making a commitment to post more. they may be shorter, but more frequent. it really helps that i have my laptop now! haha.

til thennn, i gotta run.

oh, oh, i really wanted to go here: vegoose 2007.
turns out rage wasnt really playing, but still. blonde redhead is. =/

2007-07-28T22:47:00.000-07:00

i know i don't come around here no more. =[ quite a hiatus. and now i still don't know what to say.

i'm (trying) to post again while looking for volunteer stuff in my area. i'm babysitting kids 3 days a week now (yayy), and kim, the kids' mother, has mentioned the lili claire foundation to me in one of our conversations. it's an organization dedicated to helping kids with neurogenic conditions, and i'm happy to say that they do have volunteer opportunities. =] of course volunteering in puppy pounds is great, but knowing that i can do something, mm, relevant, is greater. i'm so excited, i'll contact them first thing in the morning. =D

so yea..at first i thought this summer was going to give me a lot of time to do the things i've been wanting to do, but gosh, it's almost coming to an end! i haven't even been to l.a yet to hang out with my cousins. my dad's heading there this friday, but sadly i can't come with him because i have work. =/ oh well..fact remains that i have one month left. then i start senior year. eek.

i'm finding it hard to make specific long term plans lately because i really have no idea how things are going to be a year from now. i mean sure, i have plans to go to the philippines next july, but i'm rather uneasy visualizing stuff between september and that time. i feel like decisions that i have to make in the near future depend on a lot of things that aren't definite yet (i.e college of choice and sat scores), and i don't want anything to be written in stone until i see an end to my prerequisites. but they never really end, do they? and somehow i fear that i wouldn't be able to make it.

so now i stick with quarter-long plans. mm one sweet step at a time. lol. it's good for now, it keeps me on my toes =] makes me more brave. i hope i learn how to firmly set a goal and do whatever it takes to get to it, instead of straining its attainability with "it depends on so and so.." phrases. i hope i learn soon.

it's so much better just deciding between strawberry and pistachio ice cream. but then again, making the decision to post again is not that bad either. yay.

off to bed. >_<

magkahawak ang ating kamay, at walang kamalay-malay
na tinuruan mo ang puso ko na umibig ng tunay.

..lalalalaaaa..lalaaaa..lalaaa..lalalaaaaaaaaaa.

2007-05-08T17:46:00.000-07:00

i simply do not understand.

2007-03-23T20:01:00.000-07:00

so i was viewing my johari window earlier, and i just think it's funny how some people think i'm extroverted. lol

and majority of them think i'm silly. >_<

2007-03-23T19:47:00.000-07:00

march is almost over?? o_O

2007-03-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

gusto kong magising
sa kamusmusan ng umaga
at haraping matapang
ang walang kamalay-malay na araw.

hangad kong saluhin
ang kabiyayaan ng hamog
at hayaang mahimok
ang karumaldumal na daang pako.

hindi man malilimutan
ang mapapait na kinabihasnan
may dahilan parin para tumanglaw
sa matamis na pangako ng ginhawa.

nais na tanging mawala
sa halimuyak ng iyong salita
at dagli muling makatulog
sa salok ng iyong tanging pagmamahal.

2007-03-09T22:16:00.000-08:00

been a while since i've posted here.

but now that i'm here, i actually don't have a clue as to what to write about.

except for the fact that this has been an incredibly long week.

2007-02-22T20:05:00.000-08:00

so..i met up with my counselor today.

why on earth do they not have a copy of my bergenfield report cards??

i saw the transcript that they had on my file..nothing from bhs! just assumption and pcst. i was trying to insist for a good while that i took up chemistry and journalism during the first half of the year, only to realize that those subjects do not even appear in my transcript. in other words they have no proof that i actually took those subjects, which made me look like a weirdo. and now it made things harder for me, because i have to re-contact bhs to request for the transcripts, and afterwards reset an appointment with my counselor.

setting the appointment's easy--the feat is actually getting to talk with her.

gosh.

maybe i should set an appointment before even contacting bhs. hmm? maybe i should even set appointment once a day. persistence pays. or at least it should.

that's how elusive my counselor seems to me. o_O

dinnertime..!

2007-02-22T19:49:00.000-08:00

the flowers are starting to bloom na! =]

2007-02-15T15:27:00.000-08:00

my teacher in geometry is so good!

and i actually get chemistry.

yesterday was valentine's day. =]

2007-02-09T15:22:00.000-08:00

wednesday night, my family went to MGM to watch cirque du soleil's "KẦ". front row seats..it was so awesome! pyrotechnics, acrobatics, music, costume and make-up, fight scenes, the entire bundle..it all blew me away.

however, my brother, who's always one to bring up pointless disputes (haha), kept saying how impossible it is to do the skills we just witnessed, and dismissed them as fake. lol. fake!

i think you lose your money's worth if you focus on how the show "tricked" you, instead of letting yourself get caught in the illusion. i mean, it was pretty, it really was!

clickie and watch the video tour here! =]

2007-02-04T10:39:00.000-08:00

oh that sniffleridge?

sniglet linkie! =]

2007-02-03T13:48:00.000-08:00

"today is what you worried about yesterday and all is well."

this morning, i made a visit to one of my older blogs. i go there once in a while to make fun of my overly dramatic posts (lol), and also to remind myself that everything turned out to be okay now, even though i did worry about a lot of things back then.

and now i'm worrying about different things, and i guess i need that reassurance.

it's funny, when i realize how much has changed since last year (i started that blog february1'06). yea, my posts there were mainly about moving here in the states, my anxiety about missing my loved ones, "escape routes", and all my hopes and fears about life here in general.

and then i eventually discontinued that blog and started a new one--this one.

looking back, i guess it would have been good (not nice) if i had continued that old blog, and saw the transition of things. just for reflection purposes..to see how i got myself to where i am now. but yea, i guess i needed this whole starting over thing. i refrained from looking back as much as possible back then, even though i really dont mind looking back now.

yea..that's all. i'm just in this sort of amazed state. i'm amazed at the the fact that things are okay today. i'm amazed after realizing how much of a worrier i am deep inside.

could it really be...that the things i'm worrying about today will actually turn out to be alright tomorrow?

=]

2007-02-01T14:15:00.000-08:00

i'm kinda nervous right now.

i suddenly want cheeseburger. sucks that i cant get anywhere here without a car. =/

2007-01-31T20:53:00.000-08:00

look who i stumbled upon while browsing around.

aww.

2007-01-31T20:43:00.000-08:00

i find it quite interesting how she always dodges my "how's your lovelife" question. to think she's the one who's always asking first about how mine is.

then again, i guess i only asked her that question too just because i thought that's how a conventional conversation/letter/email would flow ("i'm fine, and you?"). and she might actually want to tell me something by asking me that question first, i dont know.

i'm not saying that i want to know how she's doing with him, whether they're doing really great or not. i dont really care about that. all i'm saying is that i dont think she should ask me a question that she doesn't feel comfortable answering herself.

there's always been that underlying tension/discomfort in her emails, which makes me wonder why she has started emailing me in the first place. i mean, i felt the need to make sure that i didnt really have anything against her anymore before responding to her. i would be unfair to myself and to her if i still had issues with her and wrote back anyway. that'd make me what, plastic? =T

it makes me feel kinda weird now, though, after realizing that i'm keeping in touch with her, of all people, when i haven't had the chance to catch up with my best friends in ages.

i dont know what to say now..oh well..mm bye?

2007-01-31T20:35:00.000-08:00

*i have my charger back. yayy.

thanks to tyip =D

2007-01-30T15:13:00.000-08:00

=]

good day, good day.

2007-01-26T18:12:00.000-08:00

i got 3 immunization shots today! >_<

i have to keep "flapping" my arm so it won't get all numb and painful.

i expect to feel sick for the next couple days. =/

i've been meaning to change my blogskin since last month, but i keep putting it off. i don't feel like editing my template again and doing all that html work. at least not yet. so i stick with this skin in the meantime.
my head hurts. but it's friday. goody.

*

what am i saving for the rainy day?
i cling to a staticky wall.
and break my neck.
trying to catch a happy tear.

2007-01-25T19:37:00.000-08:00

again, its been a while since i posted here.

but believe me when i say that i actually have time to blog now! =)

my new, loose schedule allows me to do so much things these days: i get home at 1:3opm, there's homework for one or two subjects, and it's not due until the next two days. if the weekend's coming up, then it's not due until the next four days.

can you see why i can afford to take 3-hour naps daily?

well, though i can afford to, that doesn't mean i'll settle for that kind of schedule already. i'm not that lazy. i'll get into extracurricular activities as soon as i figure out how i'm going to get a ride home. the bus only has one drop-off time. =(

i would probably go for journalism(?), badminton (if they have it), or track and field..well, that is, if i havent slowed down a whole lot yet. i hope i haven't. it's really been a while though since i ran, as in ran, due to the frigid weather in jersey. i was waiting for spring in bhs so i can try out, but i moved here in vegas already. spring here=scorching sun.

speaking of jersey, snow fell down there the day after i left. i felt cheated when i found about that. lol seriously. it's like there was a conspiracy or something. to think i only wanted one day of snow. i get dumbfounded all over again whenever i think of it. lol.

oh well...the things you can't control..=/

so there..it's almost 9pm, and i'm going to take a shower in a few minutes. i've done my chores, and i'm proud to say that i'm done with homework. =D you'd be done in a jiffy, too, if your homework was about ratio and proportion. hehe.

i think it's not right to say that i like my new school because it's so darn easy. i dont know.. of course i'm not letting myself get all lax. i'm still looking for an indication that my classes are going to be tougher, more challenging, and less dependent on every word in the textbook. i dont want to be caught off-guard when the time comes. i'm hoping (expecting) it does come. because in the long run, it's going to be good for me (proficiency exams, SAT's, etc.). >_<

i have to say that my classes are behind compared to the ones i had in bhs. as i said earlier, we're still in ratio and proportion in geometry, and as for algebra2, we've only begun basic factoring. we're reading catcher in the rye for english, which i read for sophomore year in bhs. my (crazy) teacher gave us a nice, nice project, though..we have to psychoanalyze the main character after we finish reading the book. =D he's giving more details about that project tomorrow, i think. yayy. well as for chemistry, i really do not know yet, since my teacher was absent last tuesday (oh noooo). will i ever, ever get to learn more about the quantum theory??

-_-

so yea..that's my school for you.

the highlight of my day? playing "sipa" with a kooshball together with 5 other people during lunchtime. =)

oh, and my 3-hour nap too. heehee.

bounce off!

2007-01-15T22:02:00.000-08:00

icehouse

o1.15.o7

i'm gonna miss all of them.. =[

1: number of times marie and billie fell
2: number of times the attendants warned us not to play with the snow
3: number of times sana slipped while dancing
4: number of hours we stayed there
5: number of minutes sana and i laughed continuously after falling flat on our butts
6: number of times beyonce's "irreplaceable" song was played
7: number of times sana fell
8: number of times i fell
9: number of times sana and i spun round and round
10++: number of times we took pictures

2007-01-14T21:25:00.000-08:00

it's not snowing yet. *sob*
i wanted to look out the window one morning and witness the wonderful whiteness fall down from the sky..

2007-01-14T21:18:00.000-08:00

OMG i cant believe how long it's been since i posted here!!

well i dont think anyone really cares..but yea, it just feels weird. i mean, i always had time to blog. but during the period between december 11 and january 12, so many things just happened and i was just so busy, that blogging was moved effortlessly to the bottom of my to-do list.

yes, i was that busy.

i skimmed through my previous post, and i said there that i would post pictures and details from my winter formal.

mm. i'm actually thinking twice about doing that now. i mean, it was just pretty much nonstop dancing from 7 to midnight, i did not know i had a date, and it got to a point where my friend had to hide me from him. what else is there to know? oh, and the pictures are in my friendster. =]

well, of course there's the whole post-winter formal story, but that one i really dont feel like writing at all.

so moving on..

i had a fun christmas--i have never seen that much people from our family all gathered in one house. my dad was home, my cousins from the west side came, and it was just so..nice. i miss it already. maybe i should post that one picture of the magno cousins--we could hardly fit in the camera, and we weren't even complete! =O

my new year was fun too, but i was extremely tired. went to dc with family--9 big people in an 8-seater svu going on a 4-hour trip--you can just imagine. the pictures came out pretty though, i should post them here soon too. it was kinda weird not having fireworks in the backyard as midnight struck, but i seriously got emotional when everyone started greeting each other..i was trying to fight it so bad. i guess it was because i knew it was gonna be my first and kind of my last new year's (as a resident) here in new jersey. i get a sinking feeling in my stomach whenever i think of how much i'm gonna miss the people over here. =T

yea, as much as i wanna look at 2007 as the beginning of new things to come, i know i'm going to keep glancing at the "rearview mirror" more often than necessary. i just cant help it. i still cant believe vegas is the next permanent thing. it'll probably be a month-long ordeal of waking up every morning in my new bedroom and asking myself "where am i?"

okay, maybe i was exaggerating there, but i still think it's kinda sad that the thing i'm mostly excited about is my new bedroom. i'm not looking forward to going to my new school yet, since i am just so tired from all the work i've just done in bhs the past week. ugh. although it all paid off (100 final average in algebra2!!! whee!), i was so exhausted in the end and risked getting sick all over again.

*sigh* i'm leaving in 3 days..

i originally planned to sleep like a bear for the next five days starting yesterday, but it's either i'm packing stuff, or family and friends are asking me to hang out, so my long sleep hasn't happened yet. i've been eating a lot too, like seriously. i might've gained a couple pounds these past 2 days. i hope i did. my efforts to gain weight have proved to be futile ever since i came to the us. it's so sad.

but i'm still trying!! >_<

i have to end this entry for now.. i know i intended to write so much more, but i have to sleep now because my friends are picking me up early tomorrow to hang out in hackensack. sort of like a goodbye party. should be fun though..i'll try not to be sad, or at least let my sadness show hehe. =(

but yea..the important thing is i finally updated this blog! lol. more to come soon!!

i want my carefree days back`

2006-12-11T16:42:00.000-08:00

hmm. the weekend was a quick, crazy one.

saturday, i went to int'l buffet for kuya jc's bday lunch, had choir practice, then went to winter formal. [pictures and details soon]. sunday, couldnt get up [and get down] from my bed because my knees/legs ached so freakin bad. it shouldnt come as a surprise though, when you know you danced from 7 to 12am. =T so yea..went to mass, packed some vegas stuff, had my singing program at dumont, vegged in front of the ps2, then hung out with cousins for a bit.

and now it's monday.

the weekend seriously went by like a blur. and i dont get it. it never goes by like a blur. at least it shouldnt.

i dont know what state i'm in right now. i guess i'm pretty much in a daze. i had an extremely weird dream last night, and today i did something bad during 5th period.

need to get a lot ov work done now. let's see if i can pull off another all nighter..

bounce off!

ihadfinancialtroublesandyoustrokedmyhairandtoldmeeverythingwasgonnabealright.
isatuponthebedandcomplainedthatididnthavemoneytopayforanythingatall,andthenisaid
ididntevenhavemoneytogetakissfromyou,andthatonekissfromyouwouldcostmetwentydollars.
istilldontknowwhetherimeantitasajokeornot.butthenyoulaughed.itwasanoveralldisturbingdream.

2006-12-08T13:47:00.000-08:00

11.23.o6
bowler city!
<3

2006-12-08T13:42:00.000-08:00

thank God it's FRIDAY.

*like seriously.

2006-12-07T13:52:00.000-08:00

recent studies are showing evidence that OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) has a genetic basis, and is not purely psychological in origin.

this was based on an experiment conducted on people with OCD who have relatives with OCD as well.

clickie!

i find that so interesting.

maybe i'll have that for my feature story. or maybe just OCD in general.

we'll see.

2006-12-07T12:22:00.000-08:00

so yea..i stayed home from school today. my cramps were draining the life out of me.

i kind of liked having the house to myself..i could play my music out loud, sing my heart out while walking from one room to another, have the pc to myself, turn the heater up, study peacefully, and finish the chocolate syrup.

too bad it's already 3:30. the peeps are well on their way home na. hehe.

i dont think i missed much in school today, honestly. it's just another brainstorming session for journalism, and the periods for health and us history were replaced with the renaissance cardholders assembly. for plane geometry, well, let's just say i could (gladly) go through a day without seeing mr. p. it's another blah brainstorming session for english, and then another lesson about factoring (which i'm sure i've already learned) in algebra2. of course, ms. kelly's period of hiatus continues..which means another dull, pointless 9th period.

therefore i would have had a lazy day either way.

it's only thursday, though. that fact sucks more than anything right now.

well, no, actually. not as much as the fact that i havent finished my 2 summary/opinion articles yet. i hate myself for being lazy, i really do. but geez, it feels so good to be lazy today. ack.

argh. now i feel really bad for feeling really good about it. =/

i think i should finish my pending articles now..

2006-12-04T13:22:00.000-08:00

i plan to savor...every day of december.

let this be a fun, lazy month. lol.

please.

2006-12-01T14:08:00.000-08:00

MOCHI BALLS!
i just tried some yesterday and they are wonderfully yummy.

am i a mochi ball? :)

2006-11-30T13:17:00.000-08:00

it's official. i abhor proofs.

maybe it would be different if i had a better, younger teacher, but no. i had to have the obscurely fast-paced, paranoid, 70 year-old who breaks chalks, yells across the room, and talks about his neurons backfiring.

i really dont mean to be mean, but i really do want to learn too. =/

as of now, self-study seems highly inevitable.

it really is time for you to retire, mr. p.

2006-11-27T13:04:00.000-08:00

i dont know how to describe this day.

i felt tired and sick and sleepy and lazy and all that which defines an unprepared student.

it's one of those days when you feel like you're standing at the edge of a cliff, half expecting something to knock you over already.

i was waiting to see if i missed doing any homework, but i only left my macbeth book at home. i was also waiting for a person to tell me if i wore my shirt backwards or if my shoes were mismatched, because i was pretty sure i was only in a semi-conscious state while dressing up this morning. no one did.

guess i got lucky.

i have to admit though, the past five days have been crazy.

my brother and i stayed at my uncle's house the past five days, and had thanksgiving dinner at my aunt's mom's house in the bronx. the food was hella good, as always. too bad mom and dad had to be away in vegas. they had thanksgiving on the road. =T i could really sense the excitement in my mom's voice, though, as she talked to me about seeing snow for the first time in colorado (i SO wanna go to aspen), and about how our house looks like now. i later found out that i have a bed already (thanks to ate ria), and that she has already started shopping for shtuff!

i just know she'll be as obsessed with cleaning the house eventually as she is excited about it right now. lol. oh nooo.

so yea. back to my five-day vacation at my uncle's, i had a lot of fun with cousins, and the house had a hyper/silly atmosphere the whole time. i got carried away through and through, as i hit the sack at about 6AM already, every single day. i dont recall being that glued to the tv, ever. lol. gawrsh.

figures why i'm feeling excessively ill right now. =T

it'll hopefully get better once i take a nap after publishing this post.

so yea..hmm what else happened?

oh..i missed rj's party!!!

!@#$%^&*

i guess it was partly my fault, for not securing (or at least trying to secure) a ride at a much earlier date, but i just cant help but feel so bad right now.. i sent the rsvp a month ago, dammit. i said i would go and all that.

it sucks that mom or dad weren't here to take me. but then again, it also sucks that jasmine didnt respond to my attempts to reach her, either. hence, i had no means to go to that freakin party.

sigh.

i guess i'll just give my gift to rj in school tomorrow, together with my sincerest apology. =T

come to think of it, maybe it was a good thing that i didnt go, because what if *he* was invited? oh well. it's done.

and i mean done. all of it.

mmkay...moving oooon..

just found out i'll be entering my new school in vegas as a junior! yay. i wanted to post the link of the school's website here but i guess something's wrong wit their site at the moment. oh well. the name's sierra vista high.

should do, should do.. lol. =)

so..to cap this post..

my things to do:

write summary/article for journalism
work on feature story
work on health newsletter
study more about proofs
find macbeth book
give rj's gift
reply to sarah's email(s)
buy phone card to call chris
fix closet
take a nap
buy tickets for winter formal
save money
take cepacol
watch happy feet =)

there. whee.

11.19.06
taken by marie love at nihon kai!
i had the greatest time.
and also the most awesomerest skewered chicken.
<3

2006-11-17T17:58:00.000-08:00

i dont want to want more from you anymore.

i'm tired. i'm backing out while it's early, while my anger still far outweighs my concern for you, for us (if that ever existed).

so yea, you did show up last tuesday but we didnt end up doing anything because you had guitar practice with friends. you ended up regretting it because your friends stood you up. so we made plans for the next day, but then you stood me up because robbie wanted to walk home with you. i said it was fine, blahblahblah. we didnt see each other thursday because you had a 20-minute detention. okay. so you said friday, which was today. so i saw you. i wasnt going to the volleyball game, so you asked me out to a movie. i said we'll see. call me. you asked for my new cellphone number, your phone won't go on. you said i should IM you the number, but i had to go with my friends somewhere. you said okay. i said okay. you said call you later. we parted with a hug. i went home. went out with friends. called you home, you weren't there.

i obviously did NOT try a second time. i am NOT going to plead desperate, not ever.

i cant go with you to the movies anymore, it's 9:30, and i am tired. i will not IM you my new number unless you ask for it. i will not call your house anymore, and i will not look forward to your daily visits to my school.

that last one would be quite hard to do, but i just don't want to take crap from you anymore. not from you, no.

it doesnt take another person to convince me that i dont deserve this at all. if you expect me to do the chasing, then i'm sorry to say that i wont do that.

actually, i'm not sorry. what the hell. i dont owe anything to you, i didnt do anything bad to you.

now i'd be as ready as you seem to be to forget that this friendship ever existed.

i just wish you'd actually do something to convince me that you're not full of it.

2006-11-12T18:00:00.000-08:00

nothing really matters anymore. i have spent the last 8 months trying to patch things up, only to have it dismantled all over again.

nothing left.

so we're moving. this january. to vegas.

i have a lot to say, obviously. but the question is, do i have a say in the whole thing? i cannot contest the need to relocate, its urgency, its benefits to my entire family; i only have my silly emotional attachments, my petty reluctance to change.

it is true that i haven't quite recovered yet from the impact that migrating here has made. i miss my family and friends, and i still think of richard sometimes. it pains me to think i'm going to start all over again, considering i have made good friends here already, have gotten close to family here already..

haay. no amount of the strip's neon lights could ever brighten up that dark thought.

i just hope to God i go to school there as a junior.

2006-11-08T13:21:00.000-08:00

i got home like half an hour ago.. and i am super drenched from walking in the rain. i liked it, it made me feel liberated; from what, i dont know. i think my shoes are ruined, though. *sob* i knew i should have worn my boots this morning.

anyway..we had no school yesterday, and i of course slept in. my friends and i actually planned on watching a movie--saw 3--but i when i woke up that day, i was just very reluctant to go. i mean, i just wasnt in the mood, i guess, and i didnt want to pay for a movie i've seen just 2 weeks ago. also, i thought that maybe seeing it would bring about a certain amount of discomfort to me, considering i saw that movie with *him*.

so yea. i ended up not going (i faked sick), and they ended up not going as well. how sad. sunna was chewing on my ass this morning..but what else could i do but apologize and carry on with my lie? lol.

sigh.

as for *him*, well, we talked yesterday..it was a bittersweet conversation with a lot of pauses in between, although he of course was the one who initiated it. he was still cold. gawrsh..i wish i knew how to figure this whole thing out. i'm trying to not let it get to me, but i still felt quite upset when he didnt show up at my school today. i'd like to think that it's because of the rain, but i dont know.. i dont know anymore. i dont even know where we stand. if he doesnt wanna be my friend, fine.

the one thing i can smile about, though, is the fact that there are no classes tomorrow and friday. i can breathe, i think. there's like minimal homework, and my schedule is filling up fast..i'm going to the skate rink with cousins tomorrow..and i'm planning to watch a movie on friday with my friends on friday (recompensation. lol).

...

why am i the one who's becoming emo right now? wtf? i keep telling myself to lay off the freakin topic, but i think of it anyway. i even had the nerve to write and talk about it! seriously..i am mad at myself. for thinking of him, for thinking of ALL sorts of things. and i mean all.

i'm becoming more and more aware of my seemingly schizo state right now..so i'm gonna end this entry already.

anyway..i am currently famished. i feel like baking brownies all of a sudden. should prove to be therapeutic, yea.

bye.

wasitalljustadream?

2006-11-06T13:29:00.000-08:00

i'm disproportionately spiteful right now. but i just HAVE to get this out. you have made me feel sad and angry and stupid.

it was nice meeting you and all that.

2006-11-05T17:56:00.000-08:00

wow.

and i thought i was the unfair one.

what are you doing?? it makes no sense.

you tell me you're in an emo phase. what the hell.

are you getting cold feet? you must be getting cold feet. altough you know, the odd thing is, i never pressured you to do anything at all! damnit.

so i'm not going to see you all week because you're busy and you need to do some thinking. how can you be so unfair? dont you have the decency to at least tell me what is wrong? cant you give me something more concrete than "emo"? at least i told you straight up when i said something was bothering me.

i'd rush to your house to stop you from cutting yourself or anything, but i'm not even sure anymore if you'd let me in.

2006-10-30T15:11:00.000-08:00

i need to think straight and slow down.

it started out with a kiss,

how did it end up like this?

it was only a kiss,

it was only a kiss..

or was it?

2006-10-25T21:37:00.000-07:00

i am so sorry.

2006-10-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

a moment of longing
a moment of crazy.
my surroundings blur,
as i see you smile.
a gust of wind
nudges me closer to you.
it's surprisingly sweet
to get lost in your eyes.

my fingertips tingle
as they lace with yours.
you take one step to brush
tendrils of hair from my cheek.
you take another step
to rub your forehead with mine.
and another,
and another..
tilthere'snomorespaceleftinbetween.

2006-10-19T22:39:00.000-07:00

i SO dont want to go to school tomorrow.

I'm still up at 1 in the morning, finishing up my summary/opinion articles that have been long due. i'm falling asleep in my chair already, and it's like a hammer is being constantly driven on my head. i'm pretty sure i'm going to wake up feeling like crap tomorrow morning, but i gotta finish my papers so that i can ask my brother to just drop it off in tag's classroom when he gets to school. i dont want any more negative comments from my teacher. i said i'll give the articles after school but i didnt. i wanna be able to look him in the eye again the next time i enter his classroom. -_-

unfortunately, missing school will also mean:

-missing my us histo quiz
-missing my chem quiz
-missing my english quiz
-missing my journalism interview
-missing the possible announcement of algebra2 test scores
-missing my friends

i dunno what to do. i need coffee.

2006-10-19T18:21:00.000-07:00

go near me again and i'll clobber you with my umbrella.

2006-10-18T13:52:00.000-07:00

the PSAT was a killer..had ta answer each problem within one minute or less, and my tummy was just being plain uncooperative. i only had coffee for breakfast cuz i woke up late and had to rush out. so yea..i'm definitely not gonna expect some sort of scholarship grant cuz i'm pretty sure i screwed up..especially in the 2nd math section. *sigh* oh well..it's not a scholarship if i get a low score, but it doesnt count either. of course i knew it was a practice test and that was why i didnt really put much effort, but it's also my counselor's fault for informing me only ONE day before the test. if i dont keep coming up to him to inquire if certain activities concern me or not (due to my peculiar junior/senior aka "jenior" status), i would never have known anything at all. but whatever. the PSAT's are done..and they were sorta like a wake up call for me to start studying regularly for the SAT's. so yea..i think this is the part where i have to take highschool seriously awreddy. lol. >_< style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255);">winslow tether.

anywaay..guess who has no homework today? little lazy me. :) i think i'll relieve my famished status first, then catch up on sleep. i'll watch one tree hill afterwards. <3

~~

2006-10-16T14:05:00.000-07:00

im writing WAY too much love poems lately. thumthing's wong with me.

2006-10-16T13:24:00.000-07:00

the weekend was too fast, but t'was really fun. went bowling with cousins! <3 i still suck but whatever..i'm still dragging my friends there next week. haha. but now, hmm..its monday again..boringboringboring..not much to look forward to, but a lot to remind myself of. for example..

1. pending summary/opinion articles for journalism
2. possibility of PSAT's this wednesday (!@#$!)
3. major geometry quiz
4. chem. lab report
5. urgent cleaning of my pigsty of a room

i swear i really dont have anywhere to put my clothes in anymore. they're piling on my bunk. and now i have to dig out all my bulky winter clothes because it's mad cold already. it really is. grr. especially in the morning. but this girl from my journalism class always insists on opening the window because she's hot. i mean, not hot as in hot, but hot. haha. whatever. so i look always look lurid in that class, and even more lurid when i know that i havent turned in my summary/opinion articles yet. the guilt's eating me up and i can't even look at mr. tag these days. i dont know if my brain's having an automatic shut-off from writing tons of essays last week. i just cant bring myself to finally write the darn articles yet. i really feel so guilty, what with all of my guidance counselor's recommendation and assurance to my teacher that i'm good and so on. ugh. but now that it's days late, what face am i going to show to him? if i submit it, and it's days late anyway, its like telling him that i took my sweet time, and never even made an effort to catch up. arrghhhh. its just that i cant squeeze any more opinions out of my system. my history, my english, my SRA classes.. and they're all on the same topics! repetitive much?

dammit. this is really a great way to get an F in journalsim, karla. then you can forget about bear facts above everything else. !@#$%

i know im not in a position to complain, or make excuses, or submit late stuff. i have to regain focus (i know, lame hackneyed phrase)!!. whine. i'm almost as disorganized as ms. kelly right now (that is so not a good thing).

these are the times when i expect my yoga class to be helpful, but it isnt.

i just KNOW this is gunna be a long week.

2006-10-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

why do i have a tendency to provoke myself all the time? it's like having a mouth sore or a toothache, and i keep licking that area for some reason, even though it hurts. or when i had my swallowing problem, and i kept on swallowing to check if it still hurts as much. the same goes for certain memories; i keep thinking about them, though it's so painful to do so. i guess the reason i do that is to see how far i've come already when it comes to moving on. so i still think about all those memories now..and if i find that it doesnt affect me as much, then i consider that as progress.

i've seen some people..heartbroken people who nevertheless walk around proudly, saying they've forgotten about everything already. and they say the technique is to shove it all in the back of your mind. but when they cross paths with their, er, past, they have a breakdown. everything comes crashing down on them..all the memories they thought they've already thrown away. and they're so unprepared for it, so suddenly defeated. and heartbroken once more.

when i think of certain memories now, i remember how good it used to feel. but i always make it a point to remind myself that it's gone now, that it's nobody's fault, that it's a lesson to learn, and that i shouldn't regret any of it.

and i know im really making progress because i can sleep at night now. :)

so i guess its not "provoking myself"..i guess i'm just really taking the time to mope. i really dont think there's a specified number of months for someone to heal. im taking my time, and i'm gonna make the pain diminish little by little, and when the time comes that i cross paths with my, er, past, i can look him in the eye without failing.

hey, you never know. hahaha. stupid.

2006-10-14T10:14:00.000-07:00

i never should have told her anything at all.

i really, really dont want to hate her. God help me.

2006-10-13T22:03:00.000-07:00

i met a guy last night, my cousin introduced me to him;

and then i forgot his name.

i was grinning stupidly, but he had an awesome, awesome smile;
then everyone started teasing me;

and then i forgot his name.

did he remember mine?
wonder if we'd ever cross paths again~

=T

here's to that guy who attends children's birthday dinners on a weekday and sits with his mom. :)

2006-09-25T17:13:00.000-07:00

i have journalism now! and study hall at 6th period! so it's like a double-lunch thing. yey!

so busy. but i kinda like it. :p

2006-09-21T14:33:00.000-07:00

goodbye. i'm throwing all that we had in the niagara falls.

2006-09-21T14:01:00.000-07:00

i wrote a poem yesterday. after several weeks (months) of scattered thoughts and what seems to be writer's block, i finally managed to put some words together. hopefully there will be more. it's amazing what a moment of solitude can do to someone. well, a moment of solitude away from home. yea, i am in canada right now with my family for the processing of our visas and stuff. it's our second day here, and we're staying with relatives in their beautiful, beautiful home. too bad we cant use the pool..it is freakin cold in here. gawrsh.

we headed for the mall after we were done with the embassy, but strangely enough, i didnt feel like shopping. oh well. no sales anyway. lol. besides my shoes were killing me. well, they were actually my mom's..apparently she doesnt consider comfort as a big factor when buying shoes. so yea..walking from one store to another was like a chore, and the band-aids i bought from the dollar store to ease my pain only had the peelings in it(the white stuff you peel that covers the adhesive). in short, i was ripped off. well, my dad was. poor him. so there. *shrug*

its so easy to forget that today is actually a school day and so easy to think that we're on vacation. i mean, c'mon, we're going to niagara falls tomorrow night! i am so struggling with my homework right now. i am such a crammer. agh. i can't think of ideas for my english speech. and my columbus paper. wudemigunnadoo? i still have to check hwnow.com for my math stuff. whine. well, i might as well do that now so there's room to frolic later. haha.

bounce off. :)

2006-09-12T13:52:00.000-07:00

thank goodness i had a chance to talk to rj today. i finally had a chance to let out what was inside of me. well, my problem isn't solved yet, but hey, at least someone listened to me and actually didnt judge me.

we pinkyswore. so i don't have to worry about the whole school knowing about my secret the next day. i hope.

*sigh* anywaaay. i was in a daze the whole day. i still can't swallow, and i had a cup of pudding for lunch. that even hurt, too. what the hell is wrong with me?

my algebra2 teacher gave out a quiz today, and i could've sworn he got the anwers in the multiple choice wrong.. because i couldn't find the right answer there. he kept insisting and insisting that "the answer's there", but i could only say so much because i didnt want to cause a commotion in the classroom. chances are i really was just in a daze, but we'll find out soon. =T

it was picture day today..and i can't remember if i smiled or scowled at the camera, because as soon as i sat down, the flash went off immediately. too bad.

argh..it's only tuesday. the week's sure going slow this time. maybe it's because i can't swallow. or because there's something about the atmosphere of the school that depresses me. hmm.

i have to go to the doctor now. :(

2006-09-12T13:51:00.000-07:00

bears lost to the birds 15-31!

aww.

2006-09-10T14:27:00.000-07:00

just killing time before we head off to church. i am still having swallowing problems. is it really possible for a small blue pill to get stuck somewhere between your esophagus? it's like i'm gonna die everytime i swallow food, and there's a constricting pain everytime i burp. the heck. it frightens me to think of how they might remove that stuck pill, if there's any. i mean, i've been chugging down water for the past 3 days, and it's still there.. i'm thinking of a tube-like instrument being wedged down my throat... *cringes*

gotta go! :T

2006-09-10T14:20:00.000-07:00

how can i not feel this way and still talk to you?

2006-09-08T18:18:00.000-07:00

it was my first day in school last wednesday. hmm..it was fine, really, except that i'm still holding a grudge at the administration for placing me in those freakin SRA classes. i mean, i know i'm not the smartest person on earth, but c'mon, i know how to convert a percent into a decimal. i swear i do.

i can't wait til i finally switch to choir in may. sigh.

i do like the fact that it's like i'm starting on a new slate..new neighborhood, new school, new friends.. you get the picture. lol. it will hopefully free me of the unnecessary baggage that i'm carrying, and eventually help me, well, forget them.

anywaaay..today was like the first day of regular classes. i especially liked my english class..we talked about early american literature, and i have to admit that for the first time, i'm feeling pretty grateful for having learned most of it already when i was in pcst. although it can get kinda boring in class, it mostly feels great when you really know what the teacher's talking about. besides, it's all about mastery. lol. ;)

as for chemistry, well, our teacher finally showed up after 2 days of absence (to think she wore a tank top in class). she said she attended a hearing (of some other person..) the other day, and attended her uncle's wake the next. she said she learned some important stuff in that hearing, like if police stop your car and find alcohol and/or drugs in it, even if you say it's not yours, you will have to pay a fine of $500 and have your license confiscated for 2 years. stuff like that. so..she concluded her talk by giving us advice: "i don't care if you smoke pot, just don't smoke it in your car". in dark alleys, maybe?

sigh.. even though the year 2006 sucks so far, i'm still pretty determined to make things better. unless of course i die of hypothermia in december.

i talked to a couple of friends back home this afternoon. what the hell is up with them always asking me if i'm seeing someone yet? lol. and what's funnier is, they dont believe me when i say i'm not seeing anyone. i mean, no one worth mentioning at least. haha.

and screw it, i know i'm not ready yet.

that's all i'm going to allow myself to write when it comes to that. haha. i'm still mad at myself for accidentally crossing out the window where stephen sent me pictures of tagaytay. good times. jose, i'm still sorry to know you guys had to hitchhike to alabang. lol

i'm too sleepy to go on..i better turn in before this entry becomes more random.

...shame on my teacher who mispronounced my last name as MANGO!!! >:(

2006-08-23T17:39:00.000-07:00

"we can get to know each other better.."

no.

2006-08-23T17:27:00.000-07:00

i've dreamt of you four days in a row now.

i always miss you.

2006-08-23T16:57:00.000-07:00

called my guidance counselor 2 days ago.. he said i was gonna enter school as a senior, but i'm not gonna graduate until 2008. he mentioned something about me having enough credits for senior status, but not enough to graduate, even with all the subjects i'm taking up this year. i personally think its effed up, because imagine all of the questions that are going to be raised by all sorts of people. i get tired just thinking about it. i mean, they're most likely questions i asked myself already, but (still) dont have the answers to. besides, the regular seniors will have different things to worry about (like actually graduating)..i'll be like out of place. i dno..why did they have to complicate things? its bad enough that i have a class with my brother.

now my dad wants me to die studying for an upcoming proficiency test this october. he should be happy i'm now a senior, if only for the status. bleh.

i'll be lucky if survive until christmas. :

2006-08-15T15:55:00.000-07:00

here i am again. do i want to move or not?

positive
>>we have our own house!
>>i'll have my own room (privacy!!)
>>i'll have my own closet (!!)
>>no snowstorms and/or blizzards
>>i'll live near my other cousins
>>trips to the beach are more spontaneous
>>i'll.have.my.own.room.

negative
>>i'd be careful to not get too attached with my future friends in BHS this schoolyear. unhealthy.
>>i won't even get the chance to know all my friends better.
>>i'll miss all my cousins over here. sob.
>>i wont graduate in BHS!!
>>it's like acclimatizing all over again.
>>no more spontaneous trips to new york.
>>no more stray deer.

can't they wait until after i graduate? it's only 2 years. i mean, sure, the house is all big and beautiful, but i really dont want to suffer emotionally again. i plan to get to know the people over here, but it's hard to withdraw once i get too attached. do i hold back because i don't want to end up all traumatized again?

i'm all quiet and uneasy whenever the subject of vegas is brought up. gLo talks about it before bedtime, and i give her a tight-lipped smile from my top bunk. and my mom--i don't think i've ever seen her look this excited about something before. she already went shopping for stuff in ikea for "The LV house". dad doesnt want me saving up for anymore furniture because "shipping to vegas is expensive".

i think it's as easy for me to buy a $30 room study desk as it is for me to just discard it eventually (though it pains a lot to even think about it).

i'd like to think that i can finally have my own space once we move there and i can finally reclaim my so-called privacy, but..i want go to BHS. i dont know why, but i just want to. it feels nice to actually know what i want for once, you know? i've never felt this way since i refused to sign assumption's slot reservation and decided to go to pcst.

it's crazy though, how i ended up all traumatized and miserable after i left that school.

BHS, and all my cousins, are the things i fear i'd get too attached to with the thought of moving to vegas in the back of my mind. dad hasnt announced anything final yet, but i'm sure when he does it's going to be like last minute, expecting everyone else to just follow suit (as if i can do anything anyway). and the shock of that announcement is something that a spacious new room can't absorb.

while we were at church one time, dad asked me if i told anyone about vegas yet. i wasnt quite sure how to respond, and then he asked me, "do you have your apprehensions?". i wanted to pour it all out, to cry to him right there in the pew. i still don't know why i didn't.

maybe it's the gleam of excitement in my mom's eyes. God. i really don't know.

>>>

it's the feast of the assumption. i have to go to church now.

bare

2006-08-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

i'm blogging at 12:46 am. the result of a 3-hour nap that i took before dinner. i thought of calling sarah through the fonecard i just bought this morning but for some reason the operator says her number isn't in service. dammit. i was so ready to hear from her again, so ready to vent, so ready to cry if i felt like doing so. if only for the assurance that she won't judge me, won't betray me, then i can really be myself for an hour or so.

but i guess that has to wait.

it's been hard warding off thoughts regarding me and richard. or richard in general. i can only do so much to erase memories i once vowed to treasure forever. needless to say, i'm still hurting. maybe part of the reason i went downstairs to blog was because i needed to release the steady flow of thoughts about him that has been flooding my head. i guess i needed more outlet than my ceiling, which i've just been staring at earlier.

we tried. at least i know i did. i hope he did.

i want to move on so bad; to be happy for him and whoever is in his life right now (not that i don't know); and to be able to face myself in the mirror and say it wasn't meant to be. because for some reason i can't seem to consider the possibility that i might never see him anymore. forever. that what we had was a once-in-a-life thing, meant to be forgotten.

i want to tell myself that this is a phase. after all, how long can it for me to forget someone 10,000 miles away? not very long, supposedly. i've given myself time to mope, cry my guts out, feel my heart shatter all over again. but when it seems like i no longer have tears to shed, they come flooding my eyes once more, and i'm back where i started, staring at the ceiling, chasing after sleep.

i try as hard as i can to rid myself of all this emotional baggage before school starts. even i know it's dangerous, unhealthy. a cause for worry, particularly for my parents. the last thing i want to do is to lose their trust all over again--that is if i had even gained it all back already.

i dont hate him. i guess i just miss him. more than i'd like to admit.

since nothing can really be done now, i just pray for the strength to let go, as in let go, and wait for the day when i can finally be happy for him.

2006-08-08T11:44:00.000-07:00

i'm starting a new blog now. starting over seems appealing to me. my thoughts have become too scattered, given the fact that i had 3 other blogs before this. : so yea, i'm saying now that this blog is going to be the next permanent thing.

besides, i can't blog in friendster anymore. my dad's in my friendslist.

only 26 more days til the start of school. can't wait. i'm even looking forward to my math class(classes). : i just need to do something; i need to have my sense of urgency back again..it was obviously lost when i started to wake up at 12pm everyday.

i need a life.